Good-bye My Love

"I left because there was no room for me. But you could tell me not to go. Say it to me. Tell me not to go." -- Stephen Sondheim. Dot in Sunday in the Park with George.

To leave someone we love is to knowingly break a vital connection. Even if we chose to leave, we wonder why it often hurts so much. But the heart isn't logical; it feels the trauma of the loss and the responsibility of being the one to say good-bye.

Love is a process; it doesn't end because we say good-bye. No matter how painful or harmful a relationship was, there were good things about it, just as there were lovable things about the other person. The challenge is to accept with grace the choice we've made and to forgive whatever hurt we've received. We can refuse to indulge in self-righteousness or indignation. Those feelings are born out of illusion of power that comes with being the one who leaves. Most of all, we can grieve the loss and then let go of the person we loved so that we can heal.

The Joy and Pain of Loving

"The main motive for 'non-attachment' is a desire to escape from the pain of living, and above all from love, which, sexual or non-sexual is hard work." -- George Orwell

In popular romances, love is often presented as a bed of roses - without the thorns. We may also have the idea that loving is always like falling in love - tricky, risky, thrilling, open-ended, a real high. And perhaps that is what we go on seeking when we act out in unhealthy ways.

But love, over time, needs energy, loyalty, skill, patience, devotion - the same talents and dedication we need to bring to our work, or other commitments. Of course, love can be joyous and playful and childlike, but if it is to grow and mature it needs careful tending and hard work.

Love brings us into a close relationship with the pains as well as the joys of living. If we dare to become involved, intimate, committed, we will find ourselves becoming mature individuals in touch with the realities not of romance, but of life.