Friday, July 25, 2008

The Heavy Burden of a Life Full of Lies

One deceit needs many others, and so the whole house is built in the air and must soon come crashing down. – Baltasar Graclan

Through my long past history of lying, I know firsthand of the way in which lying drives us into secrecy. At first, came the “little lies” - to my partner at the time, about missing an appointment or coming home late; my time away difficult to cover up or explain. Then came more lies to cover the lie, and then the lies to try to escape from the ugly web of lies that entangled me within my deceit. Soon, I couldn’t even look my loved one in the eye, I couldn’t risk the truth – that I had been out fucking around on him, and so I lied again and again. Sadly, the pathetic day came when I grew comfortable in my sick, isolated world of fantasy and deception. All along, those I was bullshitting, knew I was lying.

My life became a house of cards; a pack of lies. I couldn’t make an honest, open move for fear of bringing the whole shambles tumbling down around my ears. Most often, I wasn’t the only one getting hurt by my behavior; my partners, family, friends and even business colleagues suffered horribly too.

I am well into my process of changing all that, but it takes time. Each and every day I need to take inventory and be fearless and honest with myself. I have learned that each time I am honest, the lies lose their power, and finally the truth comes through. My life actually feels so much less heavy; I grew so tired of the lies I had spun around everyone in my life. What I have gained through my openness is breakthrough into honesty and truth.

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