What I Want is to be Myself Again

I’m learning that when we lose faith in our feelings, we lose faith in ourselves and become outer-directed. That is, we look to the world to tell us how to feel and what to do.  We seek approval and love from others so we can prove to ourselves that we are worthy.  Paradoxically, to be outer-directed is to be self-absorbed. How can this be?  We feel so unsure of who we are , that we cannot let go, be spontaneous or real.

We can reclaim ourselves by becoming inner-directed.  This means looking within ourselves for the direction we need.  When we’re just beginning to learn to trust our feelings, this can seem to be truly agonizing.  It means trusting the reality of our needs and our right to express them.  Only then can we find the faith in ourselves and in life, that we have lacked.

Becoming inner-directed takes self-acceptance and self-love.  It also takes time. Until then, there will be no real peace because it is the only way to find ourselves.

Where I Start and Where I End

"It is an old an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when we have lost our way." -- Rollo May

Our boundaries are both inside and outside ourselves. No one can set them for us; we can only set them. For many of us, boundaries are often unfamiliar. We may wonder, What are they? How do we use them? Some of us may have come from families where, as children, our boundaries were disregarded, perhaps creating a pattern we continue to live out as adults.

Starting to set boundaries for ourselves takes time and lots of practice. Because the experience is so unfamiliar, we may find ourselves vacillating between two extremes - holding back out fear of blurring our boundaries, or acting as if we have no boundaries at all. But our willingness to se boundaries and stick with them brings a clearer sense of who we are. We begin to learn where we start and end. We start to learn the same about other people. With boundaries comes a new sense of self-respect because they become our affirmations to ourselves that we are not objects to be trampled upon or used, but rather human beings, with dignity.

One way to create boundaries with people is to establish priorities in our relationships. In the past, out of loneliness or neediness, we may have talked to anyone, whether the person wanted to listen or notl. In this mixed-up world, we would find ourselves withholding our true feelings from people close to us, and spilling them instead on the cashier at the grocery store.

As we grow in self-esteem. our relationships improve and we act in positive ways to meet our needs. Then we have a better sense of who we are. We make choices in our relationships and take responsibility for them. We learn to bear the pain of boundaries that are not respected and enjoy the peace from those that are.

We no longer need to give ourselves away in bits and pieces; we know now what it is like to be whole. We can simultaneously have aquaintences, friends, co-workers, and even close, intimate relationships in our lives. We can trust we will act appropriately and that our boundaries will keep us safe.

The Negative "Me" of My Past

"Words can sting. Words can hurt." -- Me

"Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglect" -- William Shakespeare

I'll never achieve a feeling of true safety by seeing my self-image in terms of my character defects. To give my shortcomings such power is to ensure that I will never have enough faith or strength to continue forward; I am either condemned to live in the past, trying to change it, or to the future, trying to control it.

The only safety is in the present, affirming the positive qualities I possess. Even if I'm in deep sorrow this moment, I can feel safe by appreciating that I have the ability to grieve, which takes courage and passion for life. Appreciating my many good points is a way for me to counteract the fear that eats away at my own security.

There are a number of ways I can affirm my own self-worth. I can choose affirmations from my affirmation jar, ask others for positive support, list my good qualities and include my progress in my journal or blogs. I deserve to have the freedom that comes from feeling safe within myself, not replaying the tapes that hold the hurtful words said in the past. Rather than saying to myself right now - "You're too skinny" or "You're not attractive," I can say "You're wonderful and I love you."