Better Bend Than Break

There’s an old fable about the competition between the reed and the oak during a gale storm. As the wind howled, the oak boasted, while the reed said nothing. The wind became a tempest, and the reed bent down flexibly to the ground. The oak fell, uprooted.

Sometimes we seem strong but we are just being stubborn. We become rigid in our moral positions and don’t even try to understand the problems of those around us. We like to be thought of as uncompromising and tough.

Maybe we’re frightened. Perhaps we fear that if we even start to compromise we will be lost; on sign of weakness and the dam will burst and we’ll be up to our old tricks again.

Don’t confuse rigidity with true strength. To be strong we need to be tolerant, responsive, and gentle. We need to be strong in a loving, flexible, human way. This is a central part of one’s personal growth.

Art is Meant to Disturb

The Mask of Mental Illness – By Christopher Dale Eshenbaugh

I can see that my new life will be full of the unknown, but that is what can make it exciting and creative.

Many great artists were neglected or even abused during their lifetime because their work was considered too provocative.  Painters like Van Gogh, poets like Blake or Poe, and novelists like James Joyce were pushed out to the margins of society because their vision was too disturbing.

Most of us like a comfortable life, and those of us who are addicted to one high or another may not want to be troubled by new ways of seeing and imagining the world.  Yet, the day comes when our addiction no longer satisfies us and we begin to long for a new vision and version of our lives.  Art can help us in our recovery. 

Art allows us to change our way of looking and living, even if at first the change is disturbing.  Like artists, we can create new images and new patterns for our lives.  At first, it may be painful.  Old, comfortable habits die hard!  But, as we move forward, taking our little baby steps, by baby steps, we come to see that it’s exciting to be on the move and even at the frontier of new, creative endeavors.  Creativity, after all, comes from loving ourselves and others. 

Onward and Sideways

I am bipolar and within the last year or so, have begun to experience severe anxiety and panic. In late December I had meltdown of incredible proportions. The extreme anxiety disorder is new for me; haunting me for a little more than a year now. Anxiety so strong, and triggered by the actions of my partner. For several years, he has promulgated a new behavior, "Babe, I’m just running up to the 7 Eleven to get some cigarettes; I’ll be back in twenty-five minutes." As he walks out the door I always say, "Take your cell phone with you," which he already has in hand.

That promised "twenty-five minutes" turns out to be days that he is away from home, not answering his cell phone or even calling. I refer to it as my partner "going missing." My reaction begins with worry. Then I may happen upon something on the computer exposing the person he would be meeting and what they would be doing. A friend of mine has a husband who has nearly identical behavior. She calls this type a "player" explaining that these types of men want to still run the streets, cheat on their partners or spouses. The "player" behavior is incongruent with the committed relationship my partner and I have. This friend’s advice to me was to be proud that it is me he eventually comes home to, giving me parts of himself his hookups never see. To this I say, "bullshit."

Player my ass. My worry then turns to anger. I can’t sleep. I start calling my partner’s phone over and over again. He calls it "psycho dialing." The anger then turns to tears. I cry as I wander through the house, "What did I do wrong? I didn’t do anything wrong." My speech becomes so slurred and difficult to understand that it has been described as though I had a stroke. Lately, I noticed a pain in my chest along with a rapid and what I describe as "fluttering" heart. Irritability for me is a sign that I am swinging toward the maniacal part of bipolar. Then deep depression, laced with that wicked anxiety and panic. I began taking a prescribed anti-anxiety medication called Ativan. I was eating it like candy.

This most recent December meltdown grew so out of control I felt as though the only way to be free of it would come through ending my life. I have been in this cold place before and placed a call to the behavioral health crisis line associated with my health insurance. I was referred to the Maricopa County Hospital. There I was checked out and cleared medically and it was suggested I sign myself in to St. Luke’s Behavioral Health. I’ve been there before too. St. Luke’s worked for me before. Back in 2005 I nearly ended my life with a mantra in my head, "I hate my life, I hate my life." After two months they helped me see the world differently and I left there with a new mantra, "I love my life, I love my life!" I felt safe returning there.

I worked hard over the next three weeks, finding that each time I told my story, I felt more at ease and could see the flaws in my relationship. I realize the degree of my co-dependency and made a commitment to attend CODA (a twelve step group for co-dependents). I was placed under the care of the psychiatrist who followed me last admission. He wanted to take my treatment further than I agreed to last time. In my first admission, he suggested ECT (Electro Convulsive Treatment.) I refused it then because of the loss of one’s short term memory as a side effect of the treatment. But this time felt different to me and I agreed to begin the treatment.

Just for Today, Let Go of Anger and Resentment Toward Family and Focus on Taking Care of Yourself

"It is a true proverb, that if you live with a lame man, you will learn to halt." -- Plutarch





Working through the memories of childhood is a task each of us eventually faces. Addiction in a family system contributes to addiction along the way and affects our own individual addiction(s) and creates drama in life as adults.

I have realized that we can decide whether it's important for us to know if and how addiction has operated in our families. We can gain that knowledge as we need it. But isn't it enough simply knowing the addiction is real, that it's present in family systems, and that we didn't cause it? Knowing we didn't cause it helps to stop blaming one's self.

The important thing I have found is to focus on our own recovery. I cannot change a thing about my family or the past. But, I have found I can change my attitude toward them. When ever we feel caught up in the addiction or drama in a family members's behavior, we can bring our attention back to ourselves. That way, resentment and fruitless anger yield to honesty and humility. Detaching from the things we cannot change, forgiving the harm done to us, and letting go of the past are important parts of our healing.

How Can I Ever Recover From My Addictions?

Some days I wonder, “How am I ever going to recover from my addictions?” “What more must I do to get well?” These are the basic questions I ask myself as I struggle with my illness. An addiction to Crystal Meth.

The questions I ask in my mind are obvious, once I have taken time to really think about what is going on in my life. And the answers are just as simple – stop acting out, stop using, stay busy, and work my plan of persona growth through the SMART Recovery program whose logical approach works best for me.

I know however that it’s not enough to just go to those meetings once each week and putting in my time. Easy solutions may seem plausible, but just mouthing the words isn’t going to do the job. I have been a sick person, very sick at times, and I am going to struggle sometimes to see things straight again; to get back on course. The route is charted by the people who support me. Counselors and good friends have become my guides. But when all is said and done, I have to make the choice to accept the answers and help that will bring me renewal and health. I know the way forward to health isn’t easy, but I have confidence in myself that I will come through. Like the elegant Phoenix, I too shall rise from the ashes and be beautiful!

Every Child is an Artist. But What About Every Adult?

My partner, Christopher, is an artist and inspires me to explore my own creative side. To be an artist is to be turned in to and turned toward the new, saying "Yes" to life in all its diversity and richness. Healthy children face life with openness and create a world of beauty and delight.

We are still children if we dare to welcome the creative force within us and relate it back to the spontaneity and newness of our childhood. There may be shadows and even darkness to overcome, but if we are brave we can rediscover that childlike energy and freshness.

Picasso went on creating for over ninety years. He kept the child alive in himself for our delight. Even if we do not have his talent, we can be inspired by his example - to bring to life the creative child in us again.

I'm glad to be getting in touch with the creative child who is still alive within me!

The Best Mask for Demoralization is Daring

The best mask for demoralizing is daring - Lucan

As an addict, I know what it feels like to be demoralized. My addiction caused me to lose sight of my moral values, my beliefs, and my spirituality. I fell into mechanical patterns of fantasy and acting out behaviors that were separate and isolated from my deepest sense of morality and values. I must share the way out with others that like me, find ourselves in this spot.

The way out is by finding the courage to reassert our connection with others and our relationship with the Universe - in a word, through the rediscovery of our spirituality.

Addiction thrives on shame and isolation, and it withers in the light of openness and honest exchange. As we work on ourselves through personal growth and development, we talk with others, assess our progress and dare to be free. In turn, we find the courage to overcome our demoralization.

I want to dare today to be open and honest with myself and others.

An Addicts Perspective

I see every thing I paint in this world, but everybody does not see alike. To the eyes of a miser a guinea is more beautiful than the sun, and a bag worn with the use of money has more beautiful proportions than a vine filled with grapes. – William Blake

My enjoyment of the arrival of spingtime may for another person bring painful memories of a life somehow unfulfilled. One person’s winter wonderland may bring to my mind a vision of a stark and hopeless landscape. One person’s summer beach party may bring a battle for another to avoid looking at starkly clad bodies. My ripe and tranquil autumn may bring to another thoughts of imminent death.
Each season of the year brings its own challenges. Many of us who are addicts feel sad or alone during different times of the year. For the alcoholic fall and winter may bring the challenge of maintaining sobriety through the holidays as they see others merry celebrations. A sex addict may feel sad or alone during the spring and summer when all around them they see people in love (not them). As addicts we often may think other people are happier than us. We may feel inadequate. So we struggle yet again with the same old feelings or memories.
I try to remind myself that even though the past continues to resonate in my heart, the present holds something different and better. If the eyes are opened to the particular beauty of the season, the reward will be its splendor.

How to Get to Forgiveness

One is as one is, and the love that can’t encompass both is a poor sort of love.
- Marya Mannes

I have struggled to find the way to forgive myself and others. Forgiving isn’t easy. Writing this blog isn't easy. I am carrying so much resentment and hurt around with me. In fact, when I’ve been deeply hurt or victimized by someone else, I may feel I can’t forgive. Yet, for my own peace of mind and in order to let go, I may finally try. It’s been suggested by my therapist that forgiveness is easier under certain conditions: a positive connection with the person we want to forgive, a deep relationship with the Universe, and lots of time.

Forgiveness is often preceded by grieving fully; we must first heal from the harm that was done to us. Through the honesty, power and wisdom gained through personal growth we are gently lead through the process of forgiving ourselves and others. Many of us have also experienced the Universe’s unconditional forgiveness which gives us a model. I acknowledge my responsibility for my actions, I let go of resentment, I grieve, and, finally, I forgive. Today, I will let go and let God.

Hello World!

My first blog on Blogger! I am so excited to be able to share my blogs with a whole new audience. I've been blogging for almost two years now on my 360 page on Yahoo! as well as to an even larger audience on WordPress.com (http://christophersmark/wordpress.com). My experience blogging has been very positive. I started blogging on Yahoo! after my partner, Christopher created my 360 page as a surprise to me. He did all the initial "setting up" of the page, and added as much of his own creativity as he possibly could. I had been telling him for months how intrigued I was by the concept of blogging. I've always been a conscientious one to journal on a daily basis. For my journal, I must have the most luxurious of bound papers and I treat myself to the most expensive pen I can afford. Journaling to me, is a release. It's a way for me to look back on feelings, experiences and emotions. It's a valuable way for me to review the lessons I've learned, and a chance to discern what I could have done differently in a given situation. When I journal, I write as though no one will ever see those pages but me. Honesty comes forth easily.

Honesty has become a theme in my life. I haven't always been a person of integrity or honesty. It's taken me a long time and its been a very difficult journey to get to the point where I am today. My blogs are all about honesty. My honesty. The lessons I am learning in this life, the fears I face, about my willingness for greater spirituality in my life, about my addiction to methamphetamines, my experience with mental illness and much more. There are individuals who may read this and find the level of honesty to which I subscribe well, unbelievable! Unfortunately, I have either run out of chances with them to prove myself, or they are unwilling to let go of the resentments they hold on to so tightly. To them, I shall always be "guilty until proven innocent". I know the commitment I make each and every day when I first get out of bed; I commit to being rigorously honest in this new day, honest in every thought, word and action. I realize of course that I am human and prone to error, but by making this simple promise each and every day, I have grown into making honesty a habit and part of the under girding of my life.

The sharing of my honesty and my path of personal growth began on Yahoo! I quickly began making "friends" around the globe, all of whom were sharing such valuable feedback regarding my blogs. Eventually, I realized that I was nearing 700 "hits" per day on my 360 page! I yearn for ways to be more creative with my blogs and take my writing more seriously. I began taking a look at my options, and none seemed better than Wordpress and now Blogger. Blogging has helped me grow in my writing, as I have even stretched a bit through my first attempts at writing poetry and short stories. Through Wordpress and Blogger I have an even greater audience, still from around the world, and still offering that valuable feedback. I look forward to building a following of readers who are perhaps on the same path as I am, or maybe considering making changes in their life. I don't set out to change anyone with my blogs, but rather show myself for who I really am. I'm no different than you...