God Loves Me Because I’m Human Not Despite It

“For so it must be, and help me to do my part.”  -- A Tibetan Master

It’s been said that God exists only in the present. That means we must live in the present if we are to find God.  In God’s eyes, we are worthy and loveable as we are, today.  ‘God never rejects part of creation.

Can we accept that our God, Higher Power or Universe loved us even we were at our very worst? Can we accept that God loves us if we are struggling, or slipping today?  If this happens, we can pick ourselves up again and make better choices and pray to God for help.

The power of the present makes it possible for God to love each one of us unconditionally because God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, just willing to do our very best.  Only in the present do we have the power to choose our attitudes and actions, and it is this freedom that links us to God’s power.

Better Bend Than Break

There’s an old fable about the competition between the reed and the oak during a gale storm. As the wind howled, the oak boasted, while the reed said nothing. The wind became a tempest, and the reed bent down flexibly to the ground. The oak fell, uprooted.

Sometimes we seem strong but we are just being stubborn. We become rigid in our moral positions and don’t even try to understand the problems of those around us. We like to be thought of as uncompromising and tough.

Maybe we’re frightened. Perhaps we fear that if we even start to compromise we will be lost; on sign of weakness and the dam will burst and we’ll be up to our old tricks again.

Don’t confuse rigidity with true strength. To be strong we need to be tolerant, responsive, and gentle. We need to be strong in a loving, flexible, human way. This is a central part of one’s personal growth.

Onward and Sideways

I am bipolar and within the last year or so, have begun to experience severe anxiety and panic. In late December I had meltdown of incredible proportions. The extreme anxiety disorder is new for me; haunting me for a little more than a year now. Anxiety so strong, and triggered by the actions of my partner. For several years, he has promulgated a new behavior, "Babe, I’m just running up to the 7 Eleven to get some cigarettes; I’ll be back in twenty-five minutes." As he walks out the door I always say, "Take your cell phone with you," which he already has in hand.

That promised "twenty-five minutes" turns out to be days that he is away from home, not answering his cell phone or even calling. I refer to it as my partner "going missing." My reaction begins with worry. Then I may happen upon something on the computer exposing the person he would be meeting and what they would be doing. A friend of mine has a husband who has nearly identical behavior. She calls this type a "player" explaining that these types of men want to still run the streets, cheat on their partners or spouses. The "player" behavior is incongruent with the committed relationship my partner and I have. This friend’s advice to me was to be proud that it is me he eventually comes home to, giving me parts of himself his hookups never see. To this I say, "bullshit."

Player my ass. My worry then turns to anger. I can’t sleep. I start calling my partner’s phone over and over again. He calls it "psycho dialing." The anger then turns to tears. I cry as I wander through the house, "What did I do wrong? I didn’t do anything wrong." My speech becomes so slurred and difficult to understand that it has been described as though I had a stroke. Lately, I noticed a pain in my chest along with a rapid and what I describe as "fluttering" heart. Irritability for me is a sign that I am swinging toward the maniacal part of bipolar. Then deep depression, laced with that wicked anxiety and panic. I began taking a prescribed anti-anxiety medication called Ativan. I was eating it like candy.

This most recent December meltdown grew so out of control I felt as though the only way to be free of it would come through ending my life. I have been in this cold place before and placed a call to the behavioral health crisis line associated with my health insurance. I was referred to the Maricopa County Hospital. There I was checked out and cleared medically and it was suggested I sign myself in to St. Luke’s Behavioral Health. I’ve been there before too. St. Luke’s worked for me before. Back in 2005 I nearly ended my life with a mantra in my head, "I hate my life, I hate my life." After two months they helped me see the world differently and I left there with a new mantra, "I love my life, I love my life!" I felt safe returning there.

I worked hard over the next three weeks, finding that each time I told my story, I felt more at ease and could see the flaws in my relationship. I realize the degree of my co-dependency and made a commitment to attend CODA (a twelve step group for co-dependents). I was placed under the care of the psychiatrist who followed me last admission. He wanted to take my treatment further than I agreed to last time. In my first admission, he suggested ECT (Electro Convulsive Treatment.) I refused it then because of the loss of one’s short term memory as a side effect of the treatment. But this time felt different to me and I agreed to begin the treatment.

Just for Today, Let Go of Anger and Resentment Toward Family and Focus on Taking Care of Yourself

"It is a true proverb, that if you live with a lame man, you will learn to halt." -- Plutarch





Working through the memories of childhood is a task each of us eventually faces. Addiction in a family system contributes to addiction along the way and affects our own individual addiction(s) and creates drama in life as adults.

I have realized that we can decide whether it's important for us to know if and how addiction has operated in our families. We can gain that knowledge as we need it. But isn't it enough simply knowing the addiction is real, that it's present in family systems, and that we didn't cause it? Knowing we didn't cause it helps to stop blaming one's self.

The important thing I have found is to focus on our own recovery. I cannot change a thing about my family or the past. But, I have found I can change my attitude toward them. When ever we feel caught up in the addiction or drama in a family members's behavior, we can bring our attention back to ourselves. That way, resentment and fruitless anger yield to honesty and humility. Detaching from the things we cannot change, forgiving the harm done to us, and letting go of the past are important parts of our healing.

Sex Addiction

Sex Addiction. It can be easy to hide from other people. We can delude ourselves that, since no one knows what we’re doing, our actions aren’t that bad. It’s possible to live a double life: a healthy person some of the time, and a practicing addict at other times.

Unfortunately, it is often necessary to find ourselves in great pain or facing horrible consequences before we confront our behavior. Otherwise, the complex defense system we erect to “protect’ our addiction also keeps us from learning the honesty we need to recover.

Sex addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Rigorous honesty is important, especially in telling other people what we would rather keep hidden. It is usually the things we try to ignore that we are yearning to share and let go. We owe it to ourselves to be as honest as the program teaches us to be.

Looking for an alternative to 12 Step programs? Heard about SMART Recovery?

SMART Recovery (Self Management and Recovery Training) is an international non-profit organization which provides assistance to individuals seeking abstinence from addictive behaviors. The approach used is secular and science-based using non-confrontational motivational, behavioral and cognitive methods. Substance/activity dependence is viewed by the organization as a dysfunctional habit (rather than a disease), while allowing that it is possible that certain people have a predisposition towards addictive behavior.

The meetings are free for all wishing to attend, and are intended to be informational as well as supportive. Approximately 365 weekly group meetings led by volunteer facilitators are held worldwide. In addition, the organization provides online resources and support to the volunteers and those attending the groups and one or more daily online meetings.

Meetings are held in many states including: Arizona, California, Florida, Indiana, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, New Jersey, New York, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, and Wisconsin.

SMART is recognized by the American Academy of Family Physicians as well as the National Institute on Drug Abuse and the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism NIDA and NIAAA are agencies of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), a component of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.