Better Bend Than Break

There’s an old fable about the competition between the reed and the oak during a gale storm. As the wind howled, the oak boasted, while the reed said nothing. The wind became a tempest, and the reed bent down flexibly to the ground. The oak fell, uprooted.

Sometimes we seem strong but we are just being stubborn. We become rigid in our moral positions and don’t even try to understand the problems of those around us. We like to be thought of as uncompromising and tough.

Maybe we’re frightened. Perhaps we fear that if we even start to compromise we will be lost; on sign of weakness and the dam will burst and we’ll be up to our old tricks again.

Don’t confuse rigidity with true strength. To be strong we need to be tolerant, responsive, and gentle. We need to be strong in a loving, flexible, human way. This is a central part of one’s personal growth.

What I Want is to be Myself Again

I’m learning that when we lose faith in our feelings, we lose faith in ourselves and become outer-directed. That is, we look to the world to tell us how to feel and what to do.  We seek approval and love from others so we can prove to ourselves that we are worthy.  Paradoxically, to be outer-directed is to be self-absorbed. How can this be?  We feel so unsure of who we are , that we cannot let go, be spontaneous or real.

We can reclaim ourselves by becoming inner-directed.  This means looking within ourselves for the direction we need.  When we’re just beginning to learn to trust our feelings, this can seem to be truly agonizing.  It means trusting the reality of our needs and our right to express them.  Only then can we find the faith in ourselves and in life, that we have lacked.

Becoming inner-directed takes self-acceptance and self-love.  It also takes time. Until then, there will be no real peace because it is the only way to find ourselves.

Faith Is

Faith is putting all your eggs in God's basket, then counting your blessings before they hatch.

-- Ramona C. Carroll

The Duality of Me

 

I am a Gemini. There was a time when I was ashamed to say that I'm a Gemini.  People would begin to go off about how horrible their entire life experience has been with us Gems.  Really.  And then they'd hurl their judgments of me (cloaked as comparisons of course), by the time they were done, I felt like an inappropriate, over talkative, manipulative ass. I'd try to recover by saying, "I'm gregarious".  But you wouldn't even believe the number of individuals that chose to believe that I'm not a safe person to be around - because I'm a Gemini.  Well let me tell you this: there is a duality about me.  And it's all good. Sure, I may be Bi-polar.  But that's all good too.

Some of my friends and family actually enjoy that I'm a Gemini.  My duality.  Yes, there seems to be two of me in many aspects of my life.  But to a degree, it balances me.  I still love myself when I hate myself.  See myself as honest when I'm lying.  See myself as creative when I feel like a slug.  See what I mean?  And you know what?  I am gregarious!  I love people.  Love to hate 'em and love to love 'em.  Sometimes I love too fast.  Sometimes I want all that I cannot have or possess.  But overall, I love who I am, and am happy that I'm loved by someone else.

Real Connection

“Life delights in life.”  -- William Blake

How do we connect with other people?  Do we rely on conflict, suffering, manipulation, gossip or one-up-man ship?  Do we create relationships that can be controlled safely and then call that “reality?” 

Real connection requires two people, both wanting to be in the relationship, to approach each other as equals.  A good relationship brings us happiness, growth and a satisfying feeling of closeness.  We are able to be ourselves, without adjusting our beliefs or behavior to please the other person or to maintain the relationship.  The moment we abandon our equality, we have a power struggle, not a relationship. 

Previously,the only connections we made was between us and a hunger and an appetite that was never filled.  Once we began our process of personal growth we began to enjoy the real connections with people; the true joy that comes with giving and receiving. 

Afraid of Dying

What I fear most about dying, is not knowing for sure where I’m going. I remember when I was in training as an orderly at a nursing home in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the training instructor taught us to never just get behind the wheelchair of a patient and start pushing. She explained that while a resident is sitting in their wheelchair, perhaps even dozing off, that the initial start can frighten them half to death, and that not informing the resident beforehand like this, “I’m going to take you to the dining room now, Mr. Schmitz”, erodes the dignity of a resident. They may feel a loss of control.

Would mother Universe please tell me what it will be like? I have begun to form my own concept. By working on this gradually, I’ve noticed that my anxiety over transitioning has lessened to a degree. My version that I’m comfortable with for now, goes something like this:

My version is much like what the renowned psychic, Sylvia Browne suggests in her books, which is gleaned from her own psychic journeys beyond with her spiritual guides and from her impressions during psychic readings. In her version, which I easily claim as my own belief, is that the actual transition itself is painless, and that there is no further attachment to this physical world in the mind.

A tremendous and brilliant white light is our Guide and we will have an overwhelming sense of trust and love in our Guide. Others who have gone before us are there to greet us. Even those beloved pets we lost are there! I’ll see my grandfathers, my mom, even my dogs Heidi, Jessie, and oh my dear CoCo. And my cats Samantha and Maya!

Everyone on the other side looks the way they did when they were around 35 years of age. Communication isn’t through words any longer but rather telepathically. There is a continuous beautiful melody of music everywhere. Time on the other side is different from this world that we know now. What we know as a lifetime to us here is a mere blink of the eye on the other side. Before we know it, those that we left in this world, are right behind us. That comforts me knowing that Christopher won’t be too far behind. I worry about how he’ll manage when I’m gone.

It has been explained to me that we didn’t know where we were going when we were born, or came to this world, and that it is OK not knowing or fully understanding where we’re going when we make our transition. That’s something I’ll have to work on; trusting in mother Universe’s ability to take care of me. Even the last leg of life’s journey is packed full with lessons. Right up until the bell sounds for the next class to begin.

Defying Gravity From the Broadway Musical “Wicked”

Defying Gravity

GLINDA

(Spoken)

Elphaba - why couldn't you have stayed calm for

once, instead of flying off the handle!

(Sung)

I hope you're happy!

I hope you're happy now

I hope you're happy how you

Hurt your cause forever

I hope you think you're clever!

ELPHABA

I hope you're happy

I hope you're happy, too

I hope you're proud how you

Would grovel in submission

To feed your own ambition

BOTH

So though I can't imagine how

I hope you're happy right now

GLINDA

(Spoken)

Elphie, listen to me. Just say you're sorry:

(Sung)

You can still be with the Wizard

What you've worked and waited for

You can have all you ever wanted:

ELPHABA

(Spoken)

I know:

(Sung)

But I don't want it -

No - I can't want it

Anymore:

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try

Defying gravity

I think I'll try

Defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

GLINDA

Can't I make you understand?

You're having delusions of grandeur:

ELPHABA

I'm through accepting limits

'Cuz someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy

Defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down:

(Spoken)

Glinda - come with me. Think of what we could

do: together.

(Sung)

Unlimited

Together we're unlimited

Together we'll be the greatest team

There's ever been

Glinda -

Dreams, the way we planned 'em

GLINDA

If we work in tandem:

BOTH

There's no fight we cannot win

Just you and I

Defying gravity

With you and I

Defying gravity

ELPHABA

They'll never bring us down!

(Spoken) Well? Are you coming?

GLINDA

I hope you're happy

Now that you're choosing this

ELPHABA

(Spoken)

You too

(Sung)

I  hope it brings you bliss

BOTH

I really hope you get it

And you don't live to regret it

I hope you're happy in the end

I hope you're happy, my friend:

ELPHABA

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity

I'm flying high

Defying gravity

And soon I'll match them in renown

And nobody in all of Oz

No Wizard that there is or was

Is ever gonna bring me down!

GLINDA

I hope you're happy!

CITIZENS OF OZ

Look at her, she's wicked!

Get her!

ELPHABA

:Bring me down!

CITIZENS OF OZ

No one mourns the wicked

So we've got to bring her

ELPHABA

Ahhh!

CITIZENS OF OZ

Down!

To What End? The Purpose of Our Relationships

I love the Broadway musical Wicked. For those readers unfamiliar with the story, it is based on the best-selling novel, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory McGuire which runs parallel to the classic novel by L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Wicked tells the story of Elphaba, the future Wicked Witch of the West and her relationship with Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. Their friendship causes them to face their opposing personalities and viewpoints, rivalry over the same love-interest, their reactions to the Wizard's corrupt government and ultimately, Elphaba's public fall from grace. The plot is set mostly before Dorothy's arrival from Kansas and includes several references to well-known scenes and dialogue in the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz as a back-story.

Wicked is running here in the Phoenix metro area at Tempe’s Gammage Auditorium throughout the month of July, 2009. Find out if Wicked is coming to your area and check this musical out. In the meantime, I wanted to share the lyrics to a song from Wicked. The song is sung between Elphaba and Glinda, just before the finale. I've shared the lyrics to Defying Gravity from Wicked in an earlier post.

For Good

(Elphaba)

I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited.
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda.
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda)

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba)

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda)

Because I knew you
(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba)

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

(Glinda)

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda)

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba)

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both)

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda)

And because I knew you...

(Elphaba)

Because I knew you...

(Both)

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

This song has inspired me at a time when I have been feeling challenged by my relationships. Some of my relationships seem static and difficult. I have begun to wonder if it would be in the best interest of both of us to move along.

Art is Meant to Disturb

The Mask of Mental Illness – By Christopher Dale Eshenbaugh

I can see that my new life will be full of the unknown, but that is what can make it exciting and creative.

Many great artists were neglected or even abused during their lifetime because their work was considered too provocative.  Painters like Van Gogh, poets like Blake or Poe, and novelists like James Joyce were pushed out to the margins of society because their vision was too disturbing.

Most of us like a comfortable life, and those of us who are addicted to one high or another may not want to be troubled by new ways of seeing and imagining the world.  Yet, the day comes when our addiction no longer satisfies us and we begin to long for a new vision and version of our lives.  Art can help us in our recovery. 

Art allows us to change our way of looking and living, even if at first the change is disturbing.  Like artists, we can create new images and new patterns for our lives.  At first, it may be painful.  Old, comfortable habits die hard!  But, as we move forward, taking our little baby steps, by baby steps, we come to see that it’s exciting to be on the move and even at the frontier of new, creative endeavors.  Creativity, after all, comes from loving ourselves and others. 

The Power of Art

The Mask of Domestic Violence – By Artist, Christopher Eshenbaugh

 

“Thanks to art, instead of seeing one world (our own), we see it multiplied.”  -- Marcel Proust

 

I’ve been looking at the therapeutic nature of art to one’s recovery lately.  In our active addiction, we tended to have a single, narrow view of ourselves and the world we live in.  We thought that everyone was obsessed by using, fantasies and erotic images; we saw others perhaps as mere doubles of ourselves. 

One of the great joys I find in reading is the ability to enter other people’s lives.  We often come to know fictional characters even better than our friends because a novelist can give us the illusion of being all-powerful and all-knowing.  So we get a special “inside view,” and many people in books become familiar and very dear to us.

Reading can take us out of ourselves and expand our views of other people.  We learn that, indeed, “it takes all sorts to make up a community in this world of ours,” and our lives become less isolated through contact with others.  The power of art is to deepen and enrich this perception of ourselves in relationship to the world.  Through reading, watching plays and films, or exploring a painter’s world, we begin.

Let Your Creativity Emerge!

 

“It is the creative potential itself in human beings that is the image of God.”  -- Mary Daly

Within each of us is a creative person.  Getting comfortable with our creativity often means letting go of tight, rigid thinking so that the spontaneous, artistic side of ourselves  can emerge. 

Whether or not we think of ourselves as artistic, we are.  To be artistic is to create , an instinct that we all possess as human beings.  Each day, as we make our way along this path toward personal growth, we find the courage to create ourselves anew.  One way to encourage our creativity is to find an outlet for it.  I love learning to play the organ, digital photography and editing, writing short stories for children and poetry.  My friend Albert enjoys beading and Native American dance.  In my last two posts you’ve enjoyed the art of Christopher Eshenbaugh.  For you perhaps you’ll find your creative self through embroidery, furniture refinishing or gardening.  Most anything that allows us to create something outside ourselves can be good. 

The joy of working with our body, spirit, mind and feelings is truly a joyful experience with an amazing reward at the end: we have finally created something new, and in it, we can see ourselves.

Good-bye My Love

"I left because there was no room for me. But you could tell me not to go. Say it to me. Tell me not to go." -- Stephen Sondheim. Dot in Sunday in the Park with George.

To leave someone we love is to knowingly break a vital connection. Even if we chose to leave, we wonder why it often hurts so much. But the heart isn't logical; it feels the trauma of the loss and the responsibility of being the one to say good-bye.

Love is a process; it doesn't end because we say good-bye. No matter how painful or harmful a relationship was, there were good things about it, just as there were lovable things about the other person. The challenge is to accept with grace the choice we've made and to forgive whatever hurt we've received. We can refuse to indulge in self-righteousness or indignation. Those feelings are born out of illusion of power that comes with being the one who leaves. Most of all, we can grieve the loss and then let go of the person we loved so that we can heal.

The Joy and Pain of Loving

"The main motive for 'non-attachment' is a desire to escape from the pain of living, and above all from love, which, sexual or non-sexual is hard work." -- George Orwell

In popular romances, love is often presented as a bed of roses - without the thorns. We may also have the idea that loving is always like falling in love - tricky, risky, thrilling, open-ended, a real high. And perhaps that is what we go on seeking when we act out in unhealthy ways.

But love, over time, needs energy, loyalty, skill, patience, devotion - the same talents and dedication we need to bring to our work, or other commitments. Of course, love can be joyous and playful and childlike, but if it is to grow and mature it needs careful tending and hard work.

Love brings us into a close relationship with the pains as well as the joys of living. If we dare to become involved, intimate, committed, we will find ourselves becoming mature individuals in touch with the realities not of romance, but of life.

Death in the Abstract

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen

Even after a recent near death experience, I tend to think of death in the abstract, as a fact rather than a reality. I know that everything passes and that we are bound to die, but I rarely allow myself to accept the reality of dying and being dead.

Is this my way as well as that of others who refuse this fact our way of avoiding the reality of death? It may be that we can only think of more worldly, mortal acts as a new beginning, a false sense of perpetual renewal, even a kind of rebirth. Especially in fantasy and maybe even in our relationships, we are always "falling in love" all over again. Always young, always beginning again, always keeping our options open. Never settling into the contentment of a commitment.

As we begin to mature and develop through our efforts of personal growth, we can learn to integrate our thinking and feelings about death into our daily lives. We can sense death as an integral part of life, and not just as an abstract finality. This can become part of our process of learning to experience reality in all its stunning diversity. Life can become more precious as we realize that we must leave it.

A Little Help from Our Friends

"And when I see you happy, well, it sets my heart free. I'd like to be as good a friend to you as you are to me." -- Joni Mitchell

Friends are one of the greatest gifts and they come as a result of a life that's sane and manageable. It takes time and energy to make and keep good friends, but the rewards are worth it. To these most special people we can gladly give our honesty, our fidelity, our trust, and our unconditional acceptance.

As friendship grows, we find ourselves more able to understand our friend's needs. Is there a child to be watched or perhaps a kitchen that could really use a cleaning? Can we listen emphatically, without judging, to whatever a friend is going through? When a friend is sick, are we ready to help out? Can we put aside our needs because a friend's need is greater at the moment than our own?

Through our efforts toward personal growth, we build the skills it takes to be a good friend, we can let go and let our friendships develop naturally. Then, we will be able to trust the bond of love between our friends and us.

This blog is dedicated to three very special friends who have given me much support: David, Keith and Teri. Thank you, my special friends!

Indifference and Apathy: Disease of the Spirit

"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity." -- George Bernard Shaw

Hate is the other side of love and shows at least energy and passion. Probably most of us feel surges of hate at some time or another, especially toward those we love the most. We can deal with this if we realize that these moments will pass and be forgiven.

But indifference and apathy can become a disease of the spirit so pervasive that their darkness envelops everything. Then life is stifled and throttled at the root. If we don't value the people around us, they will feel our lack of caring as striking at the heart of their humanity. If we have no time for life, then life and those close to us will drift away from us.

The world is a place of splendor and love. We can connect with it if we reach out beyond self-concern and replace indifference and apathy with the energy of living and loving.

Faith

Faith in thought is powerful,
but faith in action is magnetic.

Words Can Hurt

"Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry." -- Henry Ward Beecher

Do we speak the truth when we're angry? I know that I am often quick to say, "I really didn't mean it," and I may even try to make amends for my thoughtlessness. But people, especially children, rarely forget what was said to them in anger.

Angry words hurt and mark people. Even if our parents didn't really mean it, those angry voices and words are still with us. We often come to believe that our parents didn't love us or respect us; otherwise, how could they have said those angry things that still hurt?

We will always have moments of anger. But we can think twice before letting anger dictate our speech. Words can hurt and people remember.

Judgment Day

"I shall tell you a great secret, my friend. Do not wait for the last judgment, it takes place every day." == Albert Camus

It is easy to hope that at some time in the future we may redeem ourselves by some great act of heroism or undergo a dramatic conversion of sorts. But in the meantime, all too often, it's business as usual. Too easily we can become used to our unhealthy behaviors, denying that our acting-out has harmed anyone... except ourselves and those we love and who love and trust us. Deep down we knew we were judging ourselves and being judged. Now, each day, we can assess our actions and evaluate our behavior. In this way, we learn how our behavior has affected every part of our lives and our relationships.

It is time to change. The longer we wait, the more ingrained are our habits and ways of perceiving and deceiving. If we live a lie, we will be judged accordingly, by ourselves and those close to us. We can change and grow and move ahead into the openness and fullness of each new day.

Don’t Judge Me by the Way I Look

"Many brave men lived before Agamemnon, but all unwept and unknown, they sleep in endless night, for they had no poets to sound their praises." - Horace

A person in one of my group therapy sessions once told this story. "I was living in a city with a large population of homeless and poor. Each day it was painful to notice the contrast between the beautifully dressed, seemingly self-confident people, and the poor who shared the streets with them."

"One day I realized I could empathize with how those homeless people felt. I'd lived my whole life feeling I didn't belong, with no family I could turn to, and not knowing if I would survive another day in my misery. The compassion I felt was a reminder to me not to form my opinions about people by how they look. It doesn't matter what people think they see in me, or anyone else. Each one of us is wounded. It's just that some wounds are on the inside instead of the outside." Remember that we are all in this world together and for a purpose, no matter what the circumstances of our lives.