God Loves Me Because I’m Human Not Despite It

“For so it must be, and help me to do my part.”  -- A Tibetan Master

It’s been said that God exists only in the present. That means we must live in the present if we are to find God.  In God’s eyes, we are worthy and loveable as we are, today.  ‘God never rejects part of creation.

Can we accept that our God, Higher Power or Universe loved us even we were at our very worst? Can we accept that God loves us if we are struggling, or slipping today?  If this happens, we can pick ourselves up again and make better choices and pray to God for help.

The power of the present makes it possible for God to love each one of us unconditionally because God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, just willing to do our very best.  Only in the present do we have the power to choose our attitudes and actions, and it is this freedom that links us to God’s power.

What I Want is to be Myself Again

I’m learning that when we lose faith in our feelings, we lose faith in ourselves and become outer-directed. That is, we look to the world to tell us how to feel and what to do.  We seek approval and love from others so we can prove to ourselves that we are worthy.  Paradoxically, to be outer-directed is to be self-absorbed. How can this be?  We feel so unsure of who we are , that we cannot let go, be spontaneous or real.

We can reclaim ourselves by becoming inner-directed.  This means looking within ourselves for the direction we need.  When we’re just beginning to learn to trust our feelings, this can seem to be truly agonizing.  It means trusting the reality of our needs and our right to express them.  Only then can we find the faith in ourselves and in life, that we have lacked.

Becoming inner-directed takes self-acceptance and self-love.  It also takes time. Until then, there will be no real peace because it is the only way to find ourselves.

Real Connection

“Life delights in life.”  -- William Blake

How do we connect with other people?  Do we rely on conflict, suffering, manipulation, gossip or one-up-man ship?  Do we create relationships that can be controlled safely and then call that “reality?” 

Real connection requires two people, both wanting to be in the relationship, to approach each other as equals.  A good relationship brings us happiness, growth and a satisfying feeling of closeness.  We are able to be ourselves, without adjusting our beliefs or behavior to please the other person or to maintain the relationship.  The moment we abandon our equality, we have a power struggle, not a relationship. 

Previously,the only connections we made was between us and a hunger and an appetite that was never filled.  Once we began our process of personal growth we began to enjoy the real connections with people; the true joy that comes with giving and receiving. 

The Power of Art

The Mask of Domestic Violence – By Artist, Christopher Eshenbaugh

 

“Thanks to art, instead of seeing one world (our own), we see it multiplied.”  -- Marcel Proust

 

I’ve been looking at the therapeutic nature of art to one’s recovery lately.  In our active addiction, we tended to have a single, narrow view of ourselves and the world we live in.  We thought that everyone was obsessed by using, fantasies and erotic images; we saw others perhaps as mere doubles of ourselves. 

One of the great joys I find in reading is the ability to enter other people’s lives.  We often come to know fictional characters even better than our friends because a novelist can give us the illusion of being all-powerful and all-knowing.  So we get a special “inside view,” and many people in books become familiar and very dear to us.

Reading can take us out of ourselves and expand our views of other people.  We learn that, indeed, “it takes all sorts to make up a community in this world of ours,” and our lives become less isolated through contact with others.  The power of art is to deepen and enrich this perception of ourselves in relationship to the world.  Through reading, watching plays and films, or exploring a painter’s world, we begin.

Words Can Hurt

"Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry." -- Henry Ward Beecher

Do we speak the truth when we're angry? I know that I am often quick to say, "I really didn't mean it," and I may even try to make amends for my thoughtlessness. But people, especially children, rarely forget what was said to them in anger.

Angry words hurt and mark people. Even if our parents didn't really mean it, those angry voices and words are still with us. We often come to believe that our parents didn't love us or respect us; otherwise, how could they have said those angry things that still hurt?

We will always have moments of anger. But we can think twice before letting anger dictate our speech. Words can hurt and people remember.

Onward and Sideways

I am bipolar and within the last year or so, have begun to experience severe anxiety and panic. In late December I had meltdown of incredible proportions. The extreme anxiety disorder is new for me; haunting me for a little more than a year now. Anxiety so strong, and triggered by the actions of my partner. For several years, he has promulgated a new behavior, "Babe, I’m just running up to the 7 Eleven to get some cigarettes; I’ll be back in twenty-five minutes." As he walks out the door I always say, "Take your cell phone with you," which he already has in hand.

That promised "twenty-five minutes" turns out to be days that he is away from home, not answering his cell phone or even calling. I refer to it as my partner "going missing." My reaction begins with worry. Then I may happen upon something on the computer exposing the person he would be meeting and what they would be doing. A friend of mine has a husband who has nearly identical behavior. She calls this type a "player" explaining that these types of men want to still run the streets, cheat on their partners or spouses. The "player" behavior is incongruent with the committed relationship my partner and I have. This friend’s advice to me was to be proud that it is me he eventually comes home to, giving me parts of himself his hookups never see. To this I say, "bullshit."

Player my ass. My worry then turns to anger. I can’t sleep. I start calling my partner’s phone over and over again. He calls it "psycho dialing." The anger then turns to tears. I cry as I wander through the house, "What did I do wrong? I didn’t do anything wrong." My speech becomes so slurred and difficult to understand that it has been described as though I had a stroke. Lately, I noticed a pain in my chest along with a rapid and what I describe as "fluttering" heart. Irritability for me is a sign that I am swinging toward the maniacal part of bipolar. Then deep depression, laced with that wicked anxiety and panic. I began taking a prescribed anti-anxiety medication called Ativan. I was eating it like candy.

This most recent December meltdown grew so out of control I felt as though the only way to be free of it would come through ending my life. I have been in this cold place before and placed a call to the behavioral health crisis line associated with my health insurance. I was referred to the Maricopa County Hospital. There I was checked out and cleared medically and it was suggested I sign myself in to St. Luke’s Behavioral Health. I’ve been there before too. St. Luke’s worked for me before. Back in 2005 I nearly ended my life with a mantra in my head, "I hate my life, I hate my life." After two months they helped me see the world differently and I left there with a new mantra, "I love my life, I love my life!" I felt safe returning there.

I worked hard over the next three weeks, finding that each time I told my story, I felt more at ease and could see the flaws in my relationship. I realize the degree of my co-dependency and made a commitment to attend CODA (a twelve step group for co-dependents). I was placed under the care of the psychiatrist who followed me last admission. He wanted to take my treatment further than I agreed to last time. In my first admission, he suggested ECT (Electro Convulsive Treatment.) I refused it then because of the loss of one’s short term memory as a side effect of the treatment. But this time felt different to me and I agreed to begin the treatment.

The Mother of all Depressions

For four days, I was unable to get out of bed. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t care about anything. I wanted to die. Really, I found myself hating my life so much that I began to think putting an end to it was the answer. The last time I felt this way was that dreadful July 4^th when I wound up at St. Luke's Adult Psychiatric Unit. So much of what I have been experiencing lately felt all too familiar. Questioning by my ex-partner whether I’ve been using, my anxiety over what seem now to be small and minor issues of life in hyper drive. My partner having no idea how to handle me and my evil, bitchy side that comes out when I'm like this. We fought, screamed, cried and threatened. The choices I have been making haven't been healthy ones. Inside my head, what I was secretly struggling with was the way someone close to me had changed and was moving on with their life. I felt I wasn't.

I wanted something, a pill, a hit, SOMETHING to stop my ability to feel. I listened to pipe organ music for hours and hours on end which usually relaxes me. My ex-partner involved himself with trying to get me to do something to pull myself out of that dark evil place and back into the light.With each attempt I handed him some bullshit line like, “Sure, I’ll get up and take the dogs for a nice long walk” or, “Yeah, I’ll eat something”. Right, right. What did I do? I went back to bed, but only after laying on him how much I miss him and how remorseful I feel for the things I did that drove him to end our 11 year relationship.

My pathetic actions gave him yet another glimpse at how capable I am of beating the fucking shit out of myself for the ways I have hurt him in the past. He threatened to end our relationship as it stands right now- this friendship. "I have forgiven you and you should take a look at what you need to do to forgive yourself" he said. I could see how our interactions were feeling all too familiar to him; me the emotional train wreck seeking a solution or fix to my problems, from him.

Gradually, I started to find myself coming around and feeling better. A combination of things worked. A lot of work was done by me. I wrote down my thoughts and feelings, being as honest as I possibly could with myself in my journal, I read some of my many books that have sustained me through some tough times of painful personal growth. I prayed. I don't know why I didn't think of doing that sooner, but at least now I've raised my awareness about it. Eventually I wrote a blog or two - nothing too heavy though.

From those in my close, inner circle- individuals I consider to be "family of choice", I received many gifts. Words – though harsh from my ex-partner. Love and big "momma" type hugs from a dear friend. Quiet and contemplative reasoning from another dear friend who travels down a similar path of personal growth as me. And finally, understanding and patience from my partner.

May I never allow depression to consume me as much as it has again. I'm back and can see things in a different way. I am learning to re-frame situations and experiences which may trigger negative thinking. I know what tools I must use earlier on in my cycle to avoid a visit again from the mother of all depressions. Heightened anxiety is a precursor to thoughts that are not totally based on reality. I am taking a look at what I need to do to understand self-forgiveness. I can accept the way individuals have changed and moved on with their life and I must work on doing the same in my life. I will not compare my life with my new partner to the life I had with my ex-partner. I am fortunate to have my loved ones by my side and will reach out to at least one of them early on in any future cycle of depression. I am not alone. I will never be alone.

How Can I Ever Recover From My Addictions?

Some days I wonder, “How am I ever going to recover from my addictions?” “What more must I do to get well?” These are the basic questions I ask myself as I struggle with my illness. An addiction to Crystal Meth.

The questions I ask in my mind are obvious, once I have taken time to really think about what is going on in my life. And the answers are just as simple – stop acting out, stop using, stay busy, and work my plan of persona growth through the SMART Recovery program whose logical approach works best for me.

I know however that it’s not enough to just go to those meetings once each week and putting in my time. Easy solutions may seem plausible, but just mouthing the words isn’t going to do the job. I have been a sick person, very sick at times, and I am going to struggle sometimes to see things straight again; to get back on course. The route is charted by the people who support me. Counselors and good friends have become my guides. But when all is said and done, I have to make the choice to accept the answers and help that will bring me renewal and health. I know the way forward to health isn’t easy, but I have confidence in myself that I will come through. Like the elegant Phoenix, I too shall rise from the ashes and be beautiful!

What Happens to You When You Feel Fear? This Is What Happens to Me.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers. - One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

Nothing freezes me in my tracks like fear. How many times have we let fear stop us from doing what we really wanted to do? For me, I know fear stopped me from finding new clients for my business, finding a job, being honest with someone close to me, finding a new place to live and even from asking someone out on a date. But I couldn’t because I was afraid. The truth is, the moment our fear takes control, our self-will also takes control. The first thing to do is to admit to ourselves that we’re afraid. The second is to find out why. Discovering why may mean calling someone to talk, meditating or taking a “personal inventory” of ourselves. To feel the fear lift is to have ourselves back again. Then, when we know how we feel, we’ll know what to do. Susan Jeffers, a well known author puts it this way, “Feel the fear, and do it anyway”.