There’s an old fable about the competition between the reed and the oak during a gale storm. As the wind howled, the oak boasted, while the reed said nothing. The wind became a tempest, and the reed bent down flexibly to the ground. The oak fell, uprooted.
Sometimes we seem strong but we are just being stubborn. We become rigid in our moral positions and don’t even try to understand the problems of those around us. We like to be thought of as uncompromising and tough.
Maybe we’re frightened. Perhaps we fear that if we even start to compromise we will be lost; on sign of weakness and the dam will burst and we’ll be up to our old tricks again.
Don’t confuse rigidity with true strength. To be strong we need to be tolerant, responsive, and gentle. We need to be strong in a loving, flexible, human way. This is a central part of one’s personal growth.
How do we connect with other people? Do we rely on conflict, suffering, manipulation, gossip or one-up-man ship? Do we create relationships that can be controlled safely and then call that “reality?”
Real connection requires two people, both wanting to be in the relationship, to approach each other as equals. A good relationship brings us happiness, growth and a satisfying feeling of closeness. We are able to be ourselves, without adjusting our beliefs or behavior to please the other person or to maintain the relationship. The moment we abandon our equality, we have a power struggle, not a relationship.
Previously,the only connections we made was between us and a hunger and an appetite that was never filled. Once we began our process of personal growth we began to enjoy the real connections with people; the true joy that comes with giving and receiving.
I love the Broadway musical Wicked. For those readers unfamiliar with the story, it is based on the best-selling novel, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory McGuire which runs parallel to the classic novel by L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Wicked tells the story of Elphaba, the future Wicked Witch of the West and her relationship with Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. Their friendship causes them to face their opposing personalities and viewpoints, rivalry over the same love-interest, their reactions to the Wizard's corrupt government and ultimately, Elphaba's public fall from grace. The plot is set mostly before Dorothy's arrival from Kansas and includes several references to well-known scenes and dialogue in the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz as a back-story.
Wicked is running here in the Phoenix metro area at Tempe’s Gammage Auditorium throughout the month of July, 2009. Find out if Wicked is coming to your area and check this musical out. In the meantime, I wanted to share the lyrics to a song from Wicked. The song is sung between Elphaba and Glinda, just before the finale. I've shared the lyrics to Defying Gravity from Wicked in an earlier post.
For Good
(Elphaba)
I'm limited Just look at me - I'm limited. And just look at you You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda. So now it's up to you For both of us - now it's up to you...
(Glinda)
I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit As it passes a sun Like a stream that meets a boulder Halfway through the wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you I have been changed for good
(Elphaba)
It well may be That we will never meet again In this lifetime So let me say before we part So much of me Is made of what I learned from you You'll be with me Like a handprint on my heart And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring By a wind off the sea Like a seed dropped by a sky bird In a distant wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you
(Glinda)
Because I knew you (Both) I have been changed for good
(Elphaba)
And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness For the thing I've done you blame me for
(Glinda)
But then, I guess we know There's blame to share
(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda)
Like a comet pulled from orbit As it passes a sun Like a stream that meets a boulder Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba)
Like a ship blown from its mooring By a wind off the sea Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both)
Who can say if I've been Changed for the better? I do believe I have been Changed for the better
(Glinda)
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba)
Because I knew you...
(Both)
Because I knew you... I have been changed for good.
This song has inspired me at a time when I have been feeling challenged by my relationships. Some of my relationships seem static and difficult. I have begun to wonder if it would be in the best interest of both of us to move along.
"The main motive for 'non-attachment' is a desire to escape from the pain of living, and above all from love, which, sexual or non-sexual is hard work." -- George Orwell
In popular romances, love is often presented as a bed of roses - without the thorns. We may also have the idea that loving is always like falling in love - tricky, risky, thrilling, open-ended, a real high. And perhaps that is what we go on seeking when we act out in unhealthy ways.
But love, over time, needs energy, loyalty, skill, patience, devotion - the same talents and dedication we need to bring to our work, or other commitments. Of course, love can be joyous and playful and childlike, but if it is to grow and mature it needs careful tending and hard work.
Love brings us into a close relationship with the pains as well as the joys of living. If we dare to become involved, intimate, committed, we will find ourselves becoming mature individuals in touch with the realities not of romance, but of life.
"And when I see you happy, well, it sets my heart free. I'd like to be as good a friend to you as you are to me." -- Joni Mitchell
Friends are one of the greatest gifts and they come as a result of a life that's sane and manageable. It takes time and energy to make and keep good friends, but the rewards are worth it. To these most special people we can gladly give our honesty, our fidelity, our trust, and our unconditional acceptance.
As friendship grows, we find ourselves more able to understand our friend's needs. Is there a child to be watched or perhaps a kitchen that could really use a cleaning? Can we listen emphatically, without judging, to whatever a friend is going through? When a friend is sick, are we ready to help out? Can we put aside our needs because a friend's need is greater at the moment than our own?
Through our efforts toward personal growth, we build the skills it takes to be a good friend, we can let go and let our friendships develop naturally. Then, we will be able to trust the bond of love between our friends and us.
This blog is dedicated to three very special friends who have given me much support: David, Keith and Teri. Thank you, my special friends!
"Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry." -- Henry Ward Beecher
Do we speak the truth when we're angry? I know that I am often quick to say, "I really didn't mean it," and I may even try to make amends for my thoughtlessness. But people, especially children, rarely forget what was said to them in anger.
Angry words hurt and mark people. Even if our parents didn't really mean it, those angry voices and words are still with us. We often come to believe that our parents didn't love us or respect us; otherwise, how could they have said those angry things that still hurt?
We will always have moments of anger. But we can think twice before letting anger dictate our speech. Words can hurt and people remember.
"Forgive the past by releasing the pain it will only hurt you and others.
Live the day by forgiving the past and looking forward to tomorrow, you can't change either without changing your actions today.
Look forward to tomorrow by building and sharing you love to help you achieve your goals."
LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE OTHERS!
My dear friend Cliff wrote this for me the other day. He is aware of the struggle I'm having releasing the past, f0rgiving, and moving on. I'm grateful to have a friend like Cliff.
"Our first priority must be our individual recovery; only when we have succeeded in improving our self-esteem will we be able to be in a relationship truly by choice and not our of dependency." – Jennifer and Burt Schneider
Sex is not glue. It doesn’t keep people with us. We’ve often misunderstood sexuality and intimacy when we were active in our addictive process, because our addiction distorted our experiences.
Finding the way to real intimacy with ourselves, friends, a significant other, or our family is difficult. But we know that real intimacy is a connection that is natural.
It takes self-esteem to know that someone loves us for ourselves and wants to be with us just because we are who we are. There’s no way we can control our relationships, especially a relationship intimate enough to be sexual. We just have to let go, and trust. That’s true freedom. I am always a sexual being, whether I choose to express my sexuality or not. The energy and goodness of my sexuality are my unique gifts from God.
"It is an old an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when we have lost our way." -- Rollo May
Our boundaries are both inside and outside ourselves. No one can set them for us; we can only set them. For many of us, boundaries are often unfamiliar. We may wonder, What are they? How do we use them? Some of us may have come from families where, as children, our boundaries were disregarded, perhaps creating a pattern we continue to live out as adults.
Starting to set boundaries for ourselves takes time and lots of practice. Because the experience is so unfamiliar, we may find ourselves vacillating between two extremes - holding back out fear of blurring our boundaries, or acting as if we have no boundaries at all. But our willingness to se boundaries and stick with them brings a clearer sense of who we are. We begin to learn where we start and end. We start to learn the same about other people. With boundaries comes a new sense of self-respect because they become our affirmations to ourselves that we are not objects to be trampled upon or used, but rather human beings, with dignity.
One way to create boundaries with people is to establish priorities in our relationships. In the past, out of loneliness or neediness, we may have talked to anyone, whether the person wanted to listen or notl. In this mixed-up world, we would find ourselves withholding our true feelings from people close to us, and spilling them instead on the cashier at the grocery store.
As we grow in self-esteem. our relationships improve and we act in positive ways to meet our needs. Then we have a better sense of who we are. We make choices in our relationships and take responsibility for them. We learn to bear the pain of boundaries that are not respected and enjoy the peace from those that are.
We no longer need to give ourselves away in bits and pieces; we know now what it is like to be whole. We can simultaneously have aquaintences, friends, co-workers, and even close, intimate relationships in our lives. We can trust we will act appropriately and that our boundaries will keep us safe.
" Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. " -- Henry Miller Henry Valentine Miller (December 26, 1891 –– June 7, 1980) was an American novelist and painter. He was known for breaking with existing literary forms, developing a new sort of novel made up of autobiography, social criticism, philosophical reflection, surrealist free association and mysticism, one that is distinct always about and expressive of the real-life Henry Miller, and yet is also fictional. His works of this kind are, Tropic of Cancer, Tropic of Capricorn and Black Spring. Henry Miller also was known to write travel memoirs and essays of literary criticism and analysis.
It is good and healthy to laugh about sex - as long as the laughter is on the side of life. Sex, after all, is part of the life force, and if it is surrounded by caring and honesty, it leads to a joyous intensification of our relationship with others and with the world. Then sex, like laughter, integrates.
Too often, laughing about sex betrays uneasiness, shame, disgust, and the desire to hurt. We talk about "dirty jokes" and consign sex to the bathroom. We split off sex from other feelings and surround it with taboos and rituals and mockery. Viewed in this way, sex isolates us. We need to learn to talk about our sexuality in a proud and affirmative way. Talking and laughing in a group, or with a friend, or with a loved one, is one of the steps we take to bring sex into the open to take its place as part of the diversity of life. Own your sexuality. Talk about it without shame and claim it a vital part of life.
I love acting. It is so much more real than life. - Oscar Wilde
Many of us have gotten used to playing a part. I know that for me, I sometimes hesitate to reveal my innermost self because I may have felt ashamed of who I really am. We can go through life with our true selves hidden by the masks of our false selves. Some form of dis-ease has compelled us to be false, and we may have even taken pleasure in playacting. It may have made us feel good at times to know we’re deceiving everyone around us, including our friends and loved ones. There were times when I am certain I fell in love with my own cleverness.
Eventually, if you’re like me, we become tired of being someone else. Our lovers, partners, our children and our friends became confused and hurt by our games and our inconsistency. They long to know us as we really are. As we gain the courage to get to know and love ourselves, we can drop our masks and let ourselves be seen and know and loved by others. Our lives, and theirs, will be richer.
This text is from a love letter I received a while back from Christopher. He had been wanting to share with me this message and today felt like as good as any day to share it with you. This is also my opportunity to honor Christopher and express my joy for his love.
*********************
People always come into your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. When someone is in your life for a Reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. When people come into your life for a Season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like spring turns to summer and summer to fall, the season eventually ends.
Lifetime relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and the people regardless and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life...
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